I don't know what to say... or better yet, I should say I don't know what to do.
My mind seems like an overcrowded place. I want the thoughts to stop but they just keep weighing on me. Try, try, try, a constant hammer in my head. My forehead constantly hurts and sometimes I have to yell "STOP!" I clench my teeth and I clasp the roots of my hair, fighting back the tears that make its descent onto my cheeks.
Do I want to make them stop? Have I accepted that pain and hurt need to be part of myself'?
All the most beautiful stories start with pain, maybe I think I wouldn't be a good writer if I try to push the darkness away. But what about the happy ending?
Is an happy ending really what I want if it's never going to be the way I want it to be?
Books, plots, characters, they are easy to control. Make just the right amount of conflict, make them suffer, make them doubt themselves, but in the end you will always know how it finishes. Who will have its ever lasting deserving peace, who will get the victorious end, who will learn to accept the past while they contemplate how happy they are in the present.
Future! Oh, that fowel little word that keeps echoing in my head. Who should care about the future if not but diviners? Why worry about something that has yet not arrived just because of the uncertainty and pain it carries? Why spoil the sweet endeavor of this present moment for something so impossible to prevent, to control, to guess.
Our actions, however midly controlable as they are, can never be too accurate. The ones of others? So impossible to divine. So why should we worry about something with so many variables thus making it almost impossible to create a pattern of assurance? Make one small change, and maybe everything you've hoped for will be shaken in its core, dancing from left to right without knowing if it will ever crumble.
The moment will come, and yes, maybe you will suffer but what good is it to you to suffer until then?
To make the doubt so unbelievebly stronger?